a weekend..

Not entirely sure how to compose this post or to actually pen my thoughts down in sequence or as how my memory would serve me.

The disturbance emotions is unbearable as it is difficult to ignore it or pretending that it doesnt exist. Not being able to confide confidently leads me to this particular platform whereby it is my one and only source or rather a last resort. Things changed as time passes by but changes that I am unable to grasp as it slips by me slowly. It is unfortunate definitely as this is how the universe works somehow.

Happy times. Indeed those were the moments one could always cherished and hold on to. But then reality tends to kick in eventually and managed to caught up somehow, forcing one to face it whether or not one is prepared for it. All this while (not for long), I have been living by this "for as long as I am happy, I dont care what you think of me or how I should behave around you to be accepted into society". But things took a different course and people around me are implicated in ways that I couldn't have imagined or even foresee the actual damage that I am going to cause eventually. I just wanna be happy but not at other people's expense. This has bogged me down involuntarily and just zapped whatever happy mood I am in or believe in anymore. Why cant it not be simpler, less complicated?  Did I make the wrong choice or this was not supposed to happen in the first place at all.

At the end of the day, it boils down to one thing, I bloody hell want to be taken care of. Apparently pretty exhausted in taking care of others, worrying which ends up in a sad state where all has to come to a stop no matter what. Just want to be cherished, appreciated and needed. And all there's left now is one messed up bitch who can't even decide what she wants for herself. If only things were to take its course slowly and allowing me to figure things out properly; rationally. This is way intensed and much more than I have bargained for apparently. The requirements are pretty standard and minimal but as always, it backfired; much below par.

A colleague once asked this question over lunch the other day. Quite general in fact but only towards the female population, rather the few of us on that table. Here goes.

Would you rather choose a guy who gives you hearts and flowers but poor or the other who is filthy rich but rather old of age. Without hesitation, my answer is pretty obvious apparently and then came the logic behind it all. He then explained that girls of my age (those born in late 80s, early 90s) tend to fall head first despite all. For the other category whereby those born early 80s and before, are much more realistic as they need to be finacial stable regardless whether the guy loves her unconditionally. So long as she got what he wants from him, everything else can be overlooked. I tried arguing my way through it but in the end, what he said does really makes sense and it had me pondering all over again whether is this what I really want afterall. It tend to stucked in me somehow and unfortunately couldnt shake it off no matter what. Now I understand fully why certain girls tend to be materialistic in a way. It isnt their fault for being this way but rather a security blanket in their best interest. Selfish it may sound but that's reality and it is as cruel as ever. What you see on the idiot box doesnt make one's fairy tale come true or in other words, there isnt happily ever after.

May not have the answer to the current situation but the almighty He is able to shed some light on it. For I have sinned too much, I accept humbly to what he has for me coming.