The following event happened between 10am - 11am on the 19th July 2010.
Eyes wide open, overlooking across the room wondering of the time. The ray of sunlight piercing through the window on the far left of the other corner of the room was agonizing. It has been a mere 5 hours of sleep without much disruption but ended up wide awake. Weird. Freaky. Automatically, I reached for, what has deemed to be a norm straight after one wake's up, the phone. No messages. Another usual for me. Message sent and replied after the first gets a reply. DONE!
Then it leaves me wide awake for the next hour despite the hours of sleep Im getting. Cranky. What a torturing hour that is. The thoughts just wouldnt give it a rest again. Its like tsunami all over my mind with questions and statements bouncing of the wall of my pea brain. Traumatizing!
"Was it worth it?". "Am I giving in too much that in the end, all that is was being taken for granted?". Is that it? "Where does the attentiveness disappeared to?" "Nowadays, its all about work and responsibility that other 'thing' else gets neglected". "I feel so annoyed with myself for pestering with all the sweet nothings messages". "Remind me, why am I going through such ordeal, where I could just stay put as to where I belong". Isn't it. "Why do I have to do this, and deep down, I know why even not wanting to admit it out loud".
Relatively, I cracked. What's wrong right? Well, everything is. I was so sure of what I wanted, going along with my head instead of the heart, lands me on very uncomfortable ground. Well, no pain no gain right? The pain is no longer felt as its already numbed. And then, I began questioning myself of the choice I made. No longer able to stand on two feet, the pressure literally tears me apart beyond recognizable. Why do I put myself through such trouble and daunting journey to secure an occupation in a foreign country? Probably the stubbornness, the ego for wanting more of that I could actually sustain. As the saying goes, "the grass is always greener on the other side". Is it now?
Sometimes, the towel is ready to be thrown in! Im done. That's it. I give up. Those 3 words.
Im a quitter. So I should just quit. When the situation is deem one-sided, nothing else matters anymore. The ray of light at the end of the tunnel has grown a little dimmer with merely just a flicker. Pitch black, wondering the way around with the hurdles in front. I just dont know how to cope on anymore. Sadly, there isnt any strength left in me given that the falling downs bruises me along the way. Badly and deeply hurt throughout the process. No longer has the heart and mentality as strong as before, it has become truly fragile. Fragile in terms of a single nudge, could break it into pieces, beyond repairable. Nothing is ever the same again.
Tired. Really tired.
Monday, July 19, 2010
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2 foot-prints:
Hmm, why did you delete the earlier post?? And what happened hun? What made you so emo and so sick of life suddenly? I know what you're referring to in the post, but why outta sudden? Anything unusual?
Anyhow, i know how it clearly feels from what you've written there. Isn't that what i'm currently going through? Lol. Anyway it is, stay strong no matter what kays! =)
Huggies! <3
OUH! lol..didn't realize that you notice something's missing.. guess its the hormones this time for me?
haha.. its not me talking, definitely not..
well, endurance has taken a long toll on me with the nonchalant, tolerance & always caring, worrying at my end, it tends to wears off within the matter of time.. meaning, it has reached it limits, leading to feeling resentful & what do I get in the end? yes, one should not deem for reward of the deed done but at least SOME appreciation.. its all that matters to me with even a small amount of gratitude.. being the one who's always giving, really tears me down slowly even not admitting it.. I know it will happen somehow, but just playing around with time as in when it'll be..
you know me, repetitive isnt a word that exist in me.. you know how it'll affect me.. Im trying, trying real hard to savor every moment I could but sometimes, one-sided isnt enough.. so, while things figure its way out, Im trying to figure out what's my life gonna be.. balancing two heavy-weight isnt what I have in mind and had completely no idea but in the learning the process..
so yes, Im still trying, will keep trying, but yet, the feeling of throwing in the towel never fail to keep up..
huggles~
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